Resentment punishes ourselves

I heard I quote today, "Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die." (Although used by Carrie Fisher and Nelson Mandala, this quote seems to have it's origin in an Alcoholic Anonymous meeting.)

We hold onto resentment to teach people a lesson. Yet most of people targeted are often in their own world and rarely notice that we are resenting them. We have this magical thinking that if we hold onto our resentment toward them long enough, it will somehow make them pay. It would be a lot more honest and healthy to go confront them or even yell at them- and then let it go.

The effects on ourselves when we hate and resent someone are incredibly destructive. We have to carry that bitterness around with us all the time. It eats away at us. The I Ching or Book Changes articulates it clearly: "Hatred is a subjective form of involvement by which we are bound to the hated object" [link] (Hexagram 33. Retreat, Wilhelm-Baynes edition). Set yourself free.

So why is resentment such a difficult thing to release? We become attached to wanting vindication. It comes from being wounded. You can see this need for vindication in a raw form when someone's loved one was just killed and they want the killer to pay. It always feels so dark and vicious.

Alcoholic and Narcotics Anonymous correlate carrying resentment with relapse. Jesus taught an overall message of forgiveness. Yet we stubbornly refuse to let it go.

The only way to be free ourselves from hatred and resentment is to willingly forgive them (and ourselves) and let it go. We can do that now, or we can stay bitter for however many years- and then let it go. I guess it gets into the quality of life we choose for ourselves.

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