Internalizing vs. externalizing

People tend to either internalize or externalize their emotional stress. Internalizers hold their anger and stress in- which leads to depression and tension. Externalizers, on the other hand, tend to act out aggressively with blame and sarcasm. They often challenge others and exhibit passive-aggressive behavior.

This often translates to the way we treat responsibility and blame. Internalizers tend to take on too much responsibility. That is, they take responsibility for things they are not responsible for. They personalize things and blame themselves when things go wrong. Meanwhile, externalizers take on too little responsibility. They blame others for things that they themselves are responsible for.

So envision a continuum with internalizing on one end and externalizing on the other. A balance of expression and responsibility is the healthy goal in this model. So internalizers need to express anger and aggression (or externalize) more, while externalizers needs to contain their aggressive expression (or internalize) more. Thus, they can learn from each other.

Similarly, internalizers need to move toward the center of the responsibility continuum by ceasing to take responsibility for others. And externalizers need to cease shifting their responsibility to others.

So which adjustment might you need to make? Do you need to express anger and aggression more or less? Do you need to take less or more responsibility?

That is why general admonishments such as "You need to take more responsibility," or "Anger and aggression are bad or destructive" often fall short of the mark.

It is all relative to what your internalizing or externalizing tendency is.

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